~ kate's tales ~

Working it out

2012-02-11T12:59:00.000Z

Sometimes it's hard to fit everything in.

In the second month of 2012, I am very aware of my super-long list of goals for the year, and how much I have to do to achieve them. I was doing really well and feeling really motivated, and then I went back to work full-time.

Obviously I am pleased to be healthy enough to be back at work, blah blah, but really - it gets in the way of everything else I want to do.

Like scrapbooking. And studying. And occasionally combining the two as you can see in the page above. I realised that something which is supposed to take 20 hours of my week (in reality, of course it doesn't) should probably feature in my albums occasionally. For example - remind me again why I am doing this?! I think I will be re-reading this page a lot in the weeks to come. (And yes, it's Shakespeare, so you have to allow me this title just once, ok?)

I am still working out the patterns in my life that will give me the time to do all I want to in a week without feeling exhausted by Wednesday afternoon. Bear with me :)

Procrastinating

2012-01-30T17:15:00.000Z

I put a lot of things off.

Right now, it is that I should be opening the books to start my course. Instead, I have managed to do all kinds of things that really didn't need doing right now, but were preferable to thinking about Shakespeare. Including my financial paperwork. It must be bad.

This layout took me a week. I am not kidding. I started with three different backgrounds, and even got as far as sticking the photos down. Then I decided I didn't like it and I tore it apart, and I never do that. I always try and make it work but it really wasn't happening. Then I saw this starting point from Shimelle, and suddenly it all came together. In my quest to use more 'stuff' on my pages, I have used no less than five layers and a whole load of embellishments (stickers! foam pads! paint spatters!) I think the plain background keeps it together, though. And for all that this page took me forever - I really, really love it.

Busy busy busy

2012-01-21T19:52:00.000Z

I'm making the most of these last few days I return to work. There's so much that I want to do, and it's only now that I have any kind of enthusiasm to do it. Once I go back to the office, I think my biggest worry will be: how on earth am I going to do it all?

Seven years of scrapbooking

2012-01-18T23:04:00.000Z

I don't know the exact date, but I do know that I have a file of photos on my computer which are images of most of my scrapbook pages. And 2012 is my seventh file.

I had a clear out yesterday and threw out some half-used sheets of stickers that I'm pretty sure were among the first things I bought. In the spirit of my last post, I should probably work on using some of that stuff, right?

Get it done

2012-01-16T00:18:00.000Z

I sometimes wonder if other people see me how I see myself. I like to think I come across as super-confident but in reality I doubt myself and everything I do all.the.time. I like to think I hide it, but you can probably tell. One thing I know for sure is that I am rubbish at hiding things.

This year I will stop worrying, stop over-thinking, stop comparing and just DO IT. This mostly applies to creative projects but should really cover everything in my life.

2012 is the year of getting it done.

(This scrapbook page makes sense if you knew how many times I had rearranged the papers and moved the embellishments around. Enough!)

Sidetracked

2012-01-11T22:08:00.001Z

I can never work on one thing at a time. My last crochet project was going really well, and then I had some sudden inspiration for a new colour pattern and got sidetracked. This one is much more spring-like, with pretty pastel colours and a splash of hot pink and aqua. Also, a lot of white. It's the same ripple pattern but the colours make it look completely different.

This blanket is also whizzing along, but I hope I manage to finish it before I start something else!

One step at a time

2012-01-06T00:01:00.001Z

2011 wasn't a bad year, was it. Lots of happy times, good memories, achievements at work and in my personal life, lots of milestones on the road to good health.

I didn't really make resolutions for 2011. Instead of making vague aims like 'be more creative' I had specific goals I wanted to reach, and things I wanted to do. I'm very proud of myself that I managed to complete almost everything I wanted to, and a few other things besides.

And 2012? I find that I am more interested in setting goals than ever before. I used to swear that setting goals was merely a step on the inevitable road to disappointment. After all, if I set a goal and then don't achieve it, I'll be disappointed, right? And nobody wants that. Boo-freaking-hoo.

OMG was I wrong.

It started when I did a course at work that focused a lot on personal goal-setting and making five-year plans. Brilliant - I had my life planned out. Then cancer came along and screwed all that up. Suddenly my daily goals were mostly about getting up and getting dressed, and I was too scared to think about anything more long-term than my next hospital appointment. And I realised that plans are good, but flexibility is essential. So now, I have long-term goals, and short-term goals, and things I want to do tomorrow...and they all sort of link together in a giant mental map that is my life. But I hope that it might be like one of those magic maps in Harry Potter, and every so often something new will appear.

I am still working on what these goals mean for 2012. There will definitely be some more studying, and more creativity. I hope that there will be more travel and more adventure. I'm pretty certain there are going to be lots of changes. And it's down to me to make that happen.

With love at Christmas

2011-12-25T01:18:00.003Z

Merry Christmas to you all. Thank you for sharing my life on this blog.

He helps

2011-12-23T00:52:00.001Z

Morpheus loves to sit and watch me as I'm working. If I'm not careful, he sneaks on to the table and will sit on whatever I happen to be gluing or colouring. So I have to keep an eye on him.

Traditions at Christmas

2011-12-21T00:32:00.001Z

As we grow up, families change, and somehow old traditions aren't quite the same any more. Christmas is a hard time for us all but this year we have been doing a few more things that I hope will become traditions - like baking.

Whoopsie

2011-12-19T21:14:00.000Z

How could I forget? I know I am posting my pages way behind schedule, but I can't believe I left this one out.

I think I was saving it for a special post all of its own. Because I'm pretty pleased with this self-portrait illustration. Not a bad representation (and in fact it's exactly what I am wearing right now). Last year's self-portrait page was quite miserable, really, so it's lovely to do something positive.

Journalling Christmas

2011-12-19T00:35:00.000Z

Behind the scenes, I've been working away on my Christmas journal. I've never done a book in this format before and I really love it. The space for writing is just about the right size, and I'm finding that as I go on, I'm getting more and more creative with the pages. It's also giving me the chance to practice a few techniques that I might not use on a normal scrapbook page.

Day 5: counting down. Mindy bought me an advent calendar! What a sweetie.

Day 6: I'm pretty sure that last year I moaned about moving house at this time of year, as well. It's not my fault! But every move I've ever made has been in either November, December or January. Last year felt like a real anti-Christmas because I couldn't be bothered to decorate a house I was leaving. This year, I feel much more 'at home' and have really enjoyed making my house beautiful for the season.

Day 7: Traditionally a day for creating a to-do list of all the things that still have to be done before the big day. But yes, this year I'm feeling pretty smug. Because I thought I was going to be either in hospital or recuperating from my surgery, I made sure that I had done almost everything before I went in (yes that was pretty stressful). So when the surgery turned out to be much easier than I was expecting, and the stay in hospital much shorter than I was dreading, it meant I got to come home and relax because pretty much everything is done.

I'm using a mix of hand lettering and stickers in this journal, whatever I feel like at the time. I used to do lots of calligraphy and hand-drawn letters (anyone who went to middle school with me will remember the lessons in how to draw perfect bubble letters). I think my discovery of scrapbooking products and the multitude of stamps, letter stickers and chipboard alphabets made me feel that my lettering wasn't quite up to scratch. I like how it works in this journal, though, and it's great to have a space to play.

Just like that, it was gone

2011-12-17T21:01:00.002Z

I mentioned a couple of posts back that I had been preparing for my fourth surgery on 1 December. Was that really two and a half weeks ago?

My first surgery was on 20 December 2009. I had been admitted as an emergency after the tumour that was almost completely blocking my bowel decided to finish the job, and block it completely. There are no words that can tell you how much pain I was in at this time. It was painful to eat, to move, to do anything...excruciating pain that left me doubled up in pain and in tears. I had been in so much pain for the previous few months, and this felt like the peak of agony. I was expecting to have an ileostomy when they did the main surgery to remove my tumour, but that wasn't planned for another six months. When the surgeon suggested doing the ileostomy early, to give me a chance to get through the chemotherapy and to give my bowel a rest, my first reaction was relief. At last.

The surgery did not go well, and the surgeons had to do it again. 2009 was the Christmas I spent in hospital. Having something like an ileostomy is so strange that it is very hard to know how to deal with it mentally. It had been explained to me beforehand, but it wasn't until the nurse came round to mark my tummy that I fully understood what it was - and I was horrified. A piece of my bowel poking out of my tummy? Could it be any worse?

And yet...despite the mental somersaults required to get my head around this...my biggest feeling was relief. The relief of being able to eat. The relief of not being in constant pain. The relief of not spending all my time being sick. Throughout the chemotherapy that followed, and the radiotherapy after that...I could only be grateful for what I had, rather than hating my stoma for what it was. Since then, I think I've coped pretty well with life as an ostomist. You see, I even got a label. There are societies and online forums full of people to talk to. I got a special nurse at the hospital. I got into a routine with washing/changing my bag, I found things I was comfortable to wear, and discovered that I could eat pretty much anything without any problems.

Two and a half weeks ago, I went back to hospital to have my ileostomy closed. This was my third date for surgery, but the first time I felt even able to do it. No-one was able to tell me what it would be like - 'every patient is different'. I was very scared, and perfectly willing to live with a stoma for the rest of my life. Why change something that works, right? The thing that changed my mind, ultimately, was that I developed a hernia around my stoma, which was starting to cause a lot of painful problems. The surgery would fix that as well...so I might as well go for it and try the closure. If it really didn't work, my surgeon promised he would give me an ileostomy again.

After having something for two years, it is very hard to adjust to it being gone. I keep stroking my tummy to check - and remembering that it's gone. Every time I go to the bathroom, I go to empty the bag - and then remember that it's gone. It is a very strange feeling. I have had two years of fighting cancer, and my stoma was in some ways a label, a badge of courage. Proof of what I have been through and the effect it has had on my life. Losing it in some ways feels a little bit like being cut adrift. I am not fighting cancer any more. I am living a life after cancer. I spent two years waiting for this moment and now that I'm here - I hardly know what to do.

More to say than I realised

2011-12-11T09:15:00.000Z

This journal is just under 6x8 inches, and when I got it I wondered if I'd have enough to say to fill in each page.

To get me started (and because I hate a blank book) I went through and painted some borders and backgrounds on some of the pages. Not having a definite 'plan' makes me slightly nervous, so if I can just go for it and get something on the page it makes me feel better. Even if I cover it up with paper later.

We haven't had any snow this year - yet. This time last year everywhere was white, but we've had an unusually mild winter so far. The cold has kicked in now, though - I've even had to put the winter duvet on the bed.

Last year, I made my Christmas cards and everyone was suitably impressed. The thing with that was - I made them before I went back to work. This year, I knew I would be back at work full time (although I didn't know I would be going for surgery) so I went shopping in the January sales and bought some lovely cards to use instead. Then I volunteered to help with making the cards that Gran will be sending. Colouring, cuttting, sticking....card making is not my favourite thing to do. My friends will still be getting the shop-bought cards!

When I went slap-happy with the paint, I didn't do every page. This is one of the ones I left, and I just trimmed some paper to make a border top and bottom, and added one of the toppers I've used on Gran's cards. I don't think I need to worry about not having enough to write!

Catching up

2011-12-10T21:50:00.001Z

How many years does it take before something becomes a tradition?

I first did Journal Your Christmas in 2007, and it's strange to look at all the changes in my life since then. Last year's album is pretty special, and is currently sitting on the table beside me. Fun to flick through.

I wasn't sure if I would manage it this year. The last few weeks have been quite hectic as I prepared for my fourth (and hopefully final) bout of surgery on 1 December. The surgery went really well, and I was home much quicker than I expected to be. I now have a few weeks off work to recover, so I guess I have no excuse for not doing another Christmas journal, right?

This year I decided to do a sort-of art journal - no photos, just writing and drawing and maybe some illustrations if I felt like it. I chose a simple sketchbook, grabbed a few scraps of Christmas paper, and now I'm catching up. It feels really special to be facing the season on my way to completely full health. It's been a long time coming.

Ah, that's better

2011-11-23T20:46:00.001Z

Surprisingly hard to photograph (isn't everything at 8am?)

I am 23 rows in and loving the colour combinations here. And the more I do, the more snuggly it is across my lap. Perfect.

Work in progress

2011-11-20T01:02:00.001Z

I have come to a sort-of conclusion that maybe knitting is not for me. I love it, I really do - but nothing I have made this year has turned out right at all. It's very disheartening.

Crochet, on the other hand, is much better. It grows quickly and in the blanket pattern I'm using I only have to count up to four, and even I can manage that.

So why, in my little pile of works-in-progress, do I have two knitting and two crochet?
The knitting is down to sizing issues. Neither of those pieces are finished and I already know one is going to be too big and the other too small. I am too close to the end to give up completely, but my motivation for finishing them is distinctly lacking at the moment.
The crochet is all down to colour. There is some incredible inspiration on the internet, and when it comes to choosing my own colour combinations I get overwhelmed and then keep second-guessing myself. These are the remains of two blankets that I started, decided I didn't like, and have left in the pile because I couldn't bear to frog them all.

The good news is that I have started a third blanket. I finally decided that I had to STOP looking at other people's work, pick my colours from my stash and stop buying more yarn, make a plan and get on with it. And remember that the 'look' of the blanket changes with each row...I've just done two rows in purple, but the overall look will not be very purple at all. I've done about 16 colours so far (two rows of each) and without wanting to tempt fate, it's coming along nicely. Fingers crossed this one might actually progress to being a finished item.

28

2011-10-25T00:00:00.000+01:00

I must apologise for a distinct lack of creative activity. If you know me at all, you'll know that there are definite cycles to my life. One thing will become all-consuming, and then something else will take over. Which is fine when it's crafting, because that's easy to blog about. When it's studying, writing essays and revising for an exam....not so photogenic.

Today seems like a good day to start posting again - it is, after all, my birthday. I have this weird fondness for even numbers, so 28 feels pretty good. I would say something about being nearer 30 than 20, but I have a feeling none of my over-30 friends would appreciate it.

So what has happened since my last post?

After a long summer of studying, approximately 10,000 words written in essays, and three-hour-stinker of an exam, I have completed my Open University course. I won't get the result until early December, so I am hanging on to my revision notes in case I have to re-sit. I hope not! I'm taking a break from official studying, but am now starting preparatory reading for my next course, and also the one after that. The path to my degree is a long one, and I'm not even halfway there yet, but I am determined to make my way through.

Having something else to focus on helps when work is tough. And the last few months have been testing, to say the least. I never thought work could make me feel so emotional but it has, and it's been a challenge to keep things in perspective. For so long while I was off sick, getting back to work was my main goal. I have had to keep reminding myself that 'restructuring' is not the worst thing I have ever been through, but at times it has certainly felt like it. As of next week, I will be in a new role in a new team, and I'm starting to feel excited about the challenges ahead.

And as if that wasn't enough - I thought I'd add to the mix by getting a date for my final surgery. It's going to be before Christmas, so I should be back home and recovering by the time Santa visits. (If you are at all squeamish, I probably wouldn't bother with that link, ok?) Having a date gives me a deadline to do various jobs around the house, otherwise I will spend my recovery time lying on the sofa getting annoyed. So far, this has mostly involved making Mum put up some curtains, but that's made a big difference and now I can move on to the easy projects. Thanks Mum!

And creatively? Well, as the weather has got colder I've got the knitting out again, and I am hoping to have some finished projects soon. I've managed to reclaim my desk from my books, so I intend to do some scrapbooking and cardmaking, just as soon as I get the hang of having free time that doesn't involve revision. I also got a lovely crafty package for my birthday today, so I'm looking forward to sticking, colouring, and generally making things. In between all this I managed a trip to London with Mindy, so I have even more photos to add the albums now.

If this all sounds busy...well, it is. Life is busy, and full, and beautiful. I am thankful for every moment, and I try to appreciate it all. I am so very lucky, and I know it.

First time for everything

2011-09-17T10:00:00.000+01:00

I have been blogging since 2007 and yet I've never taken part in a blog-hop before.
It's about time to put that right, don't you think?

I discovered the delicious Miss Smith through a competition on UKScrappers and I was instantly drawn to her quirky style and distinctive journalling. I've been a fan ever since, so when she offered a giveaway with a difference, I think I waited approximately 30 seconds before emailing to sign up.

In the midst of some hideous work stuff and incredibly intense study, it's been good to have something crafty to focus on. And with so much change going on in my life, it seemed like a good time to do a review of life right now. (Also, I love this photo).

So, the embellishment is part of the blog-hop...but in honour of Miss Smith herself, and because it was her style that drew me to her blog in the first place, I thought I'd take a bit of scrapbooking inspiration as well. So, ledger paper, lots of journalling...and a picture of a cup of tea. And then, my banner was inspired by Sian, who is also blog-hopping today.

If you are taking the tour, then please visit the next sweet blogger on the list, who is the lovely Joanne. There are so many wonderfully talented people taking part today, I hope you can visit them all.

Summer days, drifting away

2011-09-01T23:55:00.000+01:00

Where did summer go? Apart from being officially the coldest summer for years, it just seems to have flown by. There are still occasional moments of sunshine but there is a definite autumnal chill in the air now.

We made the most of the bank holiday weekend by enjoying a free concert in a local park...just a shame we had to huddle under the picnic blanket for warmth!

I am working towards my final assignment for this Open University course, and then all of a sudden it'll be time for the exam. It feels like it's flown past but I have really struggled with motivation for this last module. My life is full of so many things at the moment that I really can't give the course the attention that it deserves, but I know it's only temporary. I'll take a few months off over the winter and start my next course in February. This time I'll read the books in advance...(I'm pretty sure that's what I said last time!)

Crafting action is briefly on hold, but you can check out my latest scrapbbook page on the shop blog and of course - it's September! Which means this class runs again, and I am an old hand at it by now. Last year's journal chronicled an incredibly difficult time in my life, and I am looking forward to noticing just how different things are now.

Highly productive

2011-08-16T23:10:00.002+01:00

It's been a highly productive weekend of scrapbooking, and I'm thrilled to have got so many pages done for last year's holiday album.

I'm pleased to have used so many photos on each page (three!) and to have told so many stories. There are some great memories here.

(Also, that begonia? I bought one for Gran at the same time I got this one, and it's the only thing ever that I've kept alive longer than she has. It is clearly thriving on my gentle neglect. And probably worthy of a scrapbook page in itself.)

Proud to be a scrapbooker

2011-08-14T12:06:00.004+01:00

The online crop this weekend started with a note from Shimelle about being proud to scrapbook.

Funnily enough, yesterday I was in the shop and noticed an old page of mine on the wall called 'Why I scrap'. I think it must have been from around 2007, shortly after I began scrapbooking, and it was full of the stock answers you might expect about taking photos and telling my story and liking pretty papers.

In a way, none of that has changed. I still love taking photographs (and hopefully improving all the time), and I still love pretty papers (although I make more of an effort now to actually cut them up and use them). And I still want to tell my story in my pages.

Some things have changed, though. I used to tell people about scrapbooking slightly apologetically "...I spend my spare time putting my photos in albums with pretty paper". As though I knew I should be doing something more important with my time, like oh, watching reality TV? Or that it was silly to want to preserve my stories, because it's not like I've climbed Everest or done anything truly amazing. But as I've been looking back at some older pages, I've realised just how important this hobby is. There are people in my scrapbooks who aren't in my life now, for a variety of reasons. Some of them I wish I'd scrapbooked more. Some of them I wish I'd used cheaper products on. And actually my life is amazing. My adventures might not be ones that everyone would choose, but they are mine and the story of how I've come through them is something I am very proud of.

Since I made my first scrapbook pages in 2006, I have changed and grown so much and really the only way that is recorded is through my photos and scrapbook pages. Lots of people scrapbook their children and their growth, but we don't stop changing as we grow up. It just becomes more subtle, and about personality and character, not how tall we are or class projects (although I still scrapbook my studying, because it's a massive part of my life). And amongst all the really hard parts of growth, there have been some amazing things that I don't want to forget, either.

If I did that 'Why I scrap' page again (and I think I just might), some of the reasons would be the same. But ultimately, I scrapbook because I love my life and I want to record it for when I'm old and forgetful. And that's why I am proud to be a scrapbooker.

Last year's holiday

2011-08-13T15:03:00.003+01:00

Last year's holiday means this year's scrapbook pages. I never do these things quickly, you know.

I'm currently trying to take part in an online crop (I say trying, because I'm not keeping up terribly well so far!) and this is my first page of the weekend. That hot pink paint is amazing!

Simple inspiration

2011-08-12T13:29:00.002+01:00

Remember this page from yesterday?

I had a lovely message to ask if I'd be happy to be the 'Inspiration du jour' on Craft Gossip. But of course!

Old photos, new page

2011-08-12T09:00:00.000+01:00

These photos are from 2009, but I'm working on telling some older stories in my albums at the moment. As I was doing this, I wondered why my pages about Gran were always more flowery than my other pages, but then I realised that's probably not true. It just feels that way. I think it's that sparkly flower border and the glittery letters...there is an overload of pretty on this page.
It is definitely a contrast from the other page I created yesterday...

Hard at work

2011-08-10T00:04:00.005+01:00

One of the reasons I haven't been able to do as much creating as I would like of late, is because I've been doing work of a different sort.

I resumed my studies with the Open University in February, after having to cancel my last course after I was diagnosed. It hasn't been easy - moving house, going back to work full time and rebuilding my life have been hard enough without intensive study (I think I'm supposed to aim for around 16-20 hours a week, although I rarely manage that!) There have definitely been moments when I've questioned why I am doing this and doubted my ability to cope. Fortunately, with a lot of support and encouragement I have managed to persevere, and now I have one just one assignment and a three-hour exam left. I am finally beginning to enjoy it and have renewed determination to continue and get the degree I am aiming for.

And today, I received the mark for assignment 6 out of 7 - another Pass 1. So pleased :)

Everyday stories

2011-08-07T10:29:00.003+01:00

Scrapbooking is not happening as fast as I would like at the moment. There are so many things going on, and I'm working to some pretty tight schedules.

When I do get a minute to put some photos and paper together, I'm trying to tell the everyday stories of my life. Getting in to a routine with shopping, cooking and eating has really helped me to stay on top of everything else. Eating well is part of my recovery plan, and being organised about it has made it so much easier.

I am still trying to get away from lots of straight lines and create pages that are more 'artsy'. This one even has paint!

Explore:: Thinking about perfect

2011-07-28T22:19:00.002+01:00

I am nowhere near on time with this class, but it's ok - I'm giving myself permission to do it at my own speed.
This lesson was thinking about perfect - what makes it? I've had to rethink a lot of my ideas of perfection lately...and it's surprising how many ideas come from other people or their expectations. I don't know what perfect is any more, really, but I do know what makes me happy.

I know that if I am constantly looking for the perfect 'thing' that will make me happy...I will never enjoy what I have now. For me this is part of the balance between enjoying and appreciating life today, while still making thoughtful plans for the future. I am learning to enjoy every day and relish every moment and realise that it can be perfect for now.

Explore:: destinations

2011-07-24T23:48:00.003+01:00

So, if the class I'm doing at the moment is about the adventure of life...what's my destination?

I always plan extensively for a holiday because to me that's part of the enjoyment, and I love the satisfaction of seeing everything on my list. But I'm not so much of a planner that I can't enjoy a spontaneous day trip or random detour. Too much planning can get in the way.

And so in life. I'd always poo-pooed people who planned their lives with goals and action lists. I thought it was too rigid, too inflexible, and you were inevitably going to fail and be disappointed. A few years ago, I realised that I was wrong. I think it's partly a scrapbooking thing...if I am recording my life now with all my hopes and dreams, then I'm holding my future self accountable. So if I want to be richer/more creative/more successful/living somewhere exotic, then I have to put the plans in place to make that happen.

Then of course, things happen. Life happens. Sometimes you can't do the things that you plan for and have to start new lists with goals that are more achieveable. When I was at my sickest, my daily plan was most often just 'get out of bed'. And there were days that I didn't manage that.

All these experiences have told me that it's good to plan, but it's good to be able to go with the flow. I'm enjoying the adventure of life, but I'm not focusing on a final destination. I don't think there'll ever be a day when I go 'that's it, I'm done'. I want to grow as a person and become all the things I promised myself I would be when I was sick...and that growth will never stop. I am a work in progress.

(All that aside, the place I most want to visit is America. I went there on my last big holiday before I was sick, and I dearly want to go again and do a proper road trip. It's in the plan.)

Exploring

2011-07-22T00:00:00.004+01:00

A new class from my favourite instructor is just the thing to get me scrapbooking again.

Right now my desk should be covered in books, study guides and revision planners.
Instead there's a pile of papers and photos, and some finished pages of a new mini book that look something like this:

We're exploring, but it's not about going on holiday. Life is all an adventure, right?

I had an interesting conversation once with my psychologist at the hospital. It feels like there is a big expectation on people who survive cancer, especially ones who are younger than average, to make dramatic changes to our lives afterwards. Go travelling, change my career, find religion...something major.

What if I don't do anything?

That conversation made me realise two things:

One, that other people's expectations are irrelevant. I no longer give anyone the power to make me feel insecure about my choices or uncertain about my own abilities.

And two, that change does not have to happen overnight. I may well do things differently in my life because of what I've been through. But that doesn't mean I have to do those things tomorrow, either.

I've joked before about the fact that cancer has made me more self-centred, and this project is very much focused on me, my life and my journey. Right now, my challenge is balancing my renewed creativity with a busy work/study life. It's all part of the adventure.

Hey

2011-07-05T23:33:00.002+01:00

Er, I seem to have missed June. What happened there?

There definitely hasn't been any creating, that's for sure. I've been studying like mad - only two assignments left until the exam now. Sitting on my desk are some new paints which are just dying to meet a canvas...I'm promising myself a crafty weekend.

In the meantime...I only took photos on three days in June. This was the prettiest.

More scrapbooking, more pink

2011-05-31T22:19:00.003+01:00

So, this page was inspired by this sketch. And I totally have Shimelle's sketches to thank for getting me back into scrapbooking. I've done more pages over the last few weeks than I have done in years. Literally. Apparently, I find it easier when someone tells me what bits go where.

And apparently, I also really like pink. Because more than half of my pages have it on in some form or another - and that's usually bigger rather than smaller (just like this page). Which is strange, because I never thought of myself as a pink person. I like bold reds, and vibrant blues...but lately pink has been creeping in a lot more.

Some things, though, don't change: 'At 27 and 22, I think it's safe to say we're both grown ups now. I never used to believe people who said you don't feel any different as you get older, but I realise now it's true. I don't feel any different from when we were 17 and 12 - or even 7 and 2. You are still my baby sister, even if you are taller than me now. We still hang out together a lot, do things together, have fun, share our stuff and even occasionally wind each other up. Yes, we are grown ups and some things have changed. But really, we are no different now at all.'

Life right now:: May 2011

2011-05-30T00:10:00.004+01:00

A scrapbook page with pictures of Morpheus, next to piles of paperwork waiting to be filed. Books are open for studying, but the computer is on and I'm probably on Facebook.
Beside me there are still boxes waiting to be unpacked, but if you went outside you would find a garden that has been thoroughly weeded and a freshly cut lawn.
Balance in all things.

Hoping for perfect

2011-05-25T20:02:00.003+01:00

Slightly late in the season perhaps, but I love the blue/yellow combo in this picture. Also, I love the shallow depth of field which only serves to remind me that upgrading my camera is a definite must.

Which is a round-about way of saying...I had a hospital check up yesterday and the tumour markers are all clear. Yay. But there is something else which I am trying not to Google too much, but means I have to go back for another blood test in two weeks. Nobody is freaking out just yet (well, apart from when I do the Google thing) but obviously I would quite like those tests in two weeks to come back with perfect numbers in every box.

Pretty in pink

2011-05-22T20:18:00.002+01:00

I do love pink but this seems very pink. But suitably gorgeous for my photos of my birthday night out last year. Pink cocktails, a party dress and some very high heeled shoes. Love it.

As a side note...as I am working through these photos from last year all I can notice is my hair. It was so short! Oh, how easy it was to look after. Perhaps I should cut it all off again....must resist, must resist!

In celebration of an ordinary week

2011-05-21T11:38:00.006+01:00

In many ways, this week in early May was pretty ordinary. Work. Study. Housework. Shopping. Dinner with friends. Choir. Nothing unusual in any of that.

What was unusual was the fact that this was the first time in a long time that I have felt properly happy, relaxed and in control of my life. I had energy to do more than just survive the week. I was busy, productive and sociable. Nothing unusual, but it's been a long time coming.

When I was so sick, all I wanted was to get back to 'normal'. I think this might be it.

Straight lines please me

2011-05-16T23:04:00.003+01:00

I really struggle with lines that aren't straight. I tried on this layout, truly I did...but it doesn't make me happy.

One of the greatest things about life lately is that I am finally figuring out what makes me happy. Not just a little bit happy, but properly-my-heart-feels-full-of-joy happy. It's taken 27 years, several jobs, numerous hobbies, heartbreak and a life-threatening illness - but finally I am beginning to get it. There are definitely no easy answers, but I am starting to see the light. And in the meantime this page will just have to do.

The story: Morpheus loves being up high and in interesting places - on top of doors and even in my shelves. 2009.

Reasons to be cheerful

2011-05-10T22:50:00.005+01:00

After the excitement of this (yes I squealed!) I knew I was back. It feels fantastic to be creating again and doing things that are purely for fun. No deadline, no pressure, no task to meet...just doing something that makes me happy.

I have so many stories that I want to turn into scrapbook pages...it could be overwhelming but I don't feel that way any more. Instead, I just work with the photos that inspire me - either because they're beautiful, or because like these - they tell a story that just makes my heart glad.

The story: Gran loves reading, but it is hard to find books that are large print and still light enough for her to hold. Her new Kindle is amazing - it is lighter than the smallest paperback but allows you to enlarge the text to any size you want - so Gran can read really easily. This is what the 21st century is all about - technology to make your life easier. Gran has totally embraced it and I'm so pleased for her.

One is not Morpheus

2011-05-02T21:38:00.005+01:00

This neighbourhood is full of cats. It's not unusual to have two or three circling my garden every evening. Yesterday I found a black cat that couldn't get back over the fence, and took several attempts to launch himself up and over to safety, with much scrabbling of claws.

Today the same black cat was sitting on the wall by the lilac bush. I promise you it's not Morpheus - he was standing beside me as I took the photo. When I caught him at the food bowl in the kitchen (!) he looked a lot more straggly than this, but in this pose he looks just like Morph. Unless....there is another black cat?

Scrapbooking with a sketch

2011-04-30T20:46:00.003+01:00

It's been a while, but yesterday I saw this sketch and thought I'd give it a go. I am supposed to be a scrapbooker, after all.

I have lots of stories to scrapbook but it's been a while since I've been in the right frame of mind, what with one thing and another. And I still feel a little bit 'guilty' for playing with paper and glue when I should be studying, or doing something around the house. Not as guilty as I used to, though. If I have learned anything at all, it's that life is short and I need to do the things that make me happy. So I'm starting with this very pretty paper.

Loving this life

2011-04-19T22:54:00.002+01:00

I am seriously loving this house. It's the first time I've ever had a garden that feels like part of the house - the back door opens straight onto it. It's only small and yes, the grass needs cutting. But it's been totally worth it these last few days as I come home, open the door, let Morph out to play and enjoy the evening sunshine while I cook dinner.

This tree is totally gorgeous and I don't even have to look after it - it belongs to next door. Despite living in the centre of town, my garden isn't overlooked at all and I hardly even hear my neighbours. There is a family one side and an elderly couple the other - very similar to my last house. The difference is that no-one here seems to be trying to kill each other.

Having to move house was really hard - stressful and exhausting both physically and mentally. At the same time, though, I sort of knew that it was for the best. I was leaving a house that was full of memories of being ill, and moving somewhere new just as I start on a new life as a 'well person' not a 'sick person'. As it turns out, it was the best thing that could have happened. This house is nicer, newer, better laid out and more comfortable.

I hate it when people say 'everything happens for a reason'. I don't believe that. But I do believe that you can make the best of what you're given, and sometimes the opportunities you weren't expecting turn out to be the best of all.

It would be too easy for everything to turn out perfectly just like that. There are still some changes happening and most of them are out of my control. For once, they're not even all health-related. Weirdly though, I don't feel worried any more. The sense of rising panic that I have experienced so much over the last months has gone, and I am feeling much more peaceful. I am learning to live in this moment and enjoy it, and it feels good.

Yes, it does.

A summer knit

2011-04-08T12:28:00.003+01:00

This yarn is just absolutely gorgeous. I had been indecisive about what to make for a while - I really wanted to crochet something but I just couldn't find a pattern. Then Mindy took a delivery of this, and the patterns to match, and I knew it was the 'one'. I haven't knitted for ages, not since about 2009, in fact. Complicated patterns scare me, so unless it's labelled an 'easy knit' I'm not really interested. Fortunately, this yarn is self-striping so I don't need to do any complicated stitches, just knit & purl and let the yarn do all the work. Isn't it gorgeous?

Well, when I say the yarn does all the work...the pattern I chose has rows of over 300 stitches, which is not exactly easy. But, as it's knitted all in one piece, at least I won't have too much sewing up to do. It's still a work-in-progress, as I need to sew two seams and knit the edging. I have a sad history of unfinished knitted pieces, which is why I was a bit wary of sharing this in case in never makes it out of the basket...but it's looking hopeful that it will be wearable soon.

My boy Morpheus

2011-04-05T00:33:00.004+01:00

Morpheus clearly disapproves of my studying, because he likes to sit on my books.

When he isn't on the table, he is sat on the arm of my chair, or on the floor by my feet. At the moment, he likes to sleep under the bed, so as I am falling asleep I hear little snuffles underneath my head. When I'm not around, I think he spend most of his day asleep on top of the wardrobe.

He is wonderful company. I never thought he would be a 'lap cat', but his personality completely changed as soon as it was just him and me in the house. He is friendly, sociable, snuggly and ever-so-slightly possessive of me. He likes attention and company. He makes me get up in the morning to feed him, and he knows just how to meow pathetically to make me give him a treat. He is quite possibly the most spoiled cat I know. He is also, I realised yesterday, absolutely huge! Life right now feels like a lot of late nights, deadlines and extra pressure. I'm looking forward to some quality time off that doesn't involve any medical procedures, at Easter. Until then...I think Morpheus has the right idea.

Life right now

2011-03-30T23:29:00.002+01:00

A life with a world of possibilities, and a ray of sunlight to guide my path.

Holding my place

2011-03-14T20:03:00.013Z

It's never a good idea to start a blog post without an idea of where it's going. I've started this post half a dozen times and deleted each one.

As a show-and-tell, this is pretty poor. I don't have any projects to share because I haven't made anything. There are a few works-in-progress but I don't like to show off until I've finished. I don't have any photos to share because the camera has run out of battery and I haven't unpacked the charger yet. (The photo above is from last year.)

I would blame my studying, but I am behind with that as well. This blog post is mostly just to hold my place, prove I'm still alive, and hopefully promise better things to come.

Settling in

2011-02-21T13:54:00.003Z

Moving house was infinitely more stressful than I was prepared for, but it's finally done and three weeks after moving in we are beginning to feel settled...this is a good home for Morpheus and for me.

I had a lot of lovely helpers who made the whole thing possible. 'Thank you' isn't really enough but it will have to do for now. They did all the lifting, carrying, moving, hauling, fixing and other things that I'm not supposed to do, but are kind of essential when you are moving every single thing you own.

All the furniture is in place and now I just need to keep going with all the boxes. I've reached that horrible stage where I've unpacked enough to live on a day-to-day basis, but not enough to actually consider myself finished. In my last house (and the one before, actually) that lasted about two years. I have high hopes that this time it's going to be different. Don't laugh.

I kept Morpheus in for three weeks and had dreams of turning him into a house cat....it was never going to work. Despite spending a small fortune on cat toys and things to keep him entertained, yesterday I had to give in and open the door for him. He lasted about ten minutes before he came in, and this morning he wouldn't go out at all because it was raining. Spoilt?

I am not dead, just buried (under a sea of boxes)

2011-01-23T23:58:00.004Z

I had to move a tower of boxes to even get to my computer to write this.

I get the keys to my new house on Friday. I am alternately excited, and terrified. I am looking forward to living in a new house (open plan! bigger kitchen! brand new refurb!) but despite the best efforts of the people who helped me clean and pack today I am still worried (not enough boxes/too much stuff, co-ordinating everything).

Moving will be good for me. I'd just rather not have to do it. All my craft stuff is packed away and I should probably have packed the computer as well by now. Oh, and as I am back to work full-time now I am finding out how to push my body through previously undiscovered levels of tiredness.

Somehow, I just have to make it through this week. Then I get four days before my Open University course starts. Did someone say 2011 was going to be easier?

First make of the year

2011-01-15T00:03:00.007Z

I have about half a dozen draft blog posts sitting here, waiting to be finished. I started a review of last year, and then I started thinking about what I want from this year, and each post was more rambling than the last.

However, I think I have summed it up:
2010 - cancer
2011 - no cancer

Do I need to say any more?

And so...on to the first of this year's crocheted items. I shouldn't be making things. I should be packing because I move in two weeks. I should be getting an early night because I haven't been sleeping well. I should be reading my study guides because my OU course starts in a month. Whatever. The 'shoulds' have never stopped me before.

This is a pretty simple scarf recently published in the crochet magazine I read. Chains and double crochets are super-easy, the only complicated thing is the 306 chain you need to start with. I lost count every time. The lovely effect comes from using a variegated yarn - this is a yarn which normally knits up to produce a fake fair-isle effect, but when crocheted comes out in beautiful stripes. This one is mum's - I'm working on one for Mindy and then one for myself. If I do mine last, it doesn't matter if I get bored and stop halfway through ;)

JYC :: Boxing Day

2010-12-31T10:00:00.000Z

We had Boxing Day surprise this year as we took a 'leftovers' meal round to Gran's house. Obviously, we didn't have any actual leftovers from Christmas Day, so Mum had deliberately cooked extra on Christmas Eve so that we could still have our Boxing Day lunch. Thanks Mum!

JYC :: Christmas

2010-12-30T16:53:00.002Z

Christmas Eve...nearly done. Just a few things to finish off, but it felt very busy. I went to Mum's for dinner in the evening which was time to sit down and relax. And isn't this fairy pretty? Mindy made her and she adorns the top of Mum's tree. I do love handmade decorations.

Christmas Day itself was lovely. And who would have thought that I could fit so much on a single 6x6 page?

We went out for Christmas dinner and I'm glad we did. It made a lovely break from past years and meant that none of us were sitting there thinking about things that used to be. And of course, it meant that none of us had to prepare any food, get up early to cook it, or do the washing up afterwards. Afterwards we went back to Gran's to exchange our gifts. I couldn't decide if I was more excited to give or receive...my handmade goodies went down well and I received some lovely presents too. Follow that with some Christmas TV and it was pretty much the perfect day. Thanks guys :)

Self portraits at Christmas

2010-12-30T10:00:00.001Z

It's only on looking back at these pages that I realised I'd used two self-portraits in a row. The photo on this one is my current Facebook profile picture...sometimes looking at photos like this over a period of time can show just how much things have changed.

My scrapbooking tip for today? Use a dual-ended pen to write your text, using the thicker end for the key phrases. Makes the text look much more interesting than a simple paragraph, especially if you are writing short thoughts rather than a long story.

This is a less flattering portrait (no-one looks good on a convex surface) but this is the first year I've actually remembered to take a photo of my reflection on a bauble. Except, of course, I only have mini baubles on the tree this year so I had to hold one instead. If you'd like to see some better examples of bauble self-portraits, check out this Flickr group.

So that was Christmas...catching up with JYC

2010-12-29T16:21:00.004Z

The last few days before Christmas were a whirlwind of activity: shopping, singing, preparation and organisation. Suddenly it was far too difficult to keep up with JYC and post pictures online. The darkness didn't help as the days got shorter and shorter.

I did keep up with my pages, though, and I'm so pleased. My little book is now super-thick (three inches?!) and is a lovely record not only of what happened, but also of how I felt.

As I sit here in a post-Christmas haze, it all seems so long ago. I can hardly believe that I made that page above just last week. Everyone was so excited for Christmas, and now it's all over.

I had a lovely, lovely Christmas and really enjoyed it. It was quiet and relaxed and full of thoughtfulness and love. And I'm really glad I've been recording it all. I'll share the rest of my pages later.

K x

JYC :: 16 :: Thankful

2010-12-21T11:30:00.000Z

This one gets a post all of its own.

It is so easy to be thankful this year. 2009/10 has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life. I keep thinking 'this time last year I was'...and it's all negative. I was being told I had cancer. I was starting chemotherapy. I was in hospital. I was having major surgery. I didn't know what the future held except that it wasn't going to be very good for a long time.

I am so thankful to be writing this post from a place of health and contentment. I am so blessed with my family and friends and all their support. In between sickness and surgery, I have still managed to have some really good times this year and I am so thankful for everything. One little page doesn't say it enough.

JYC :: 14 &15

2010-12-20T20:08:00.002Z

For some reason the design of this page really pleases me...it feels very balanced, despite the larger amount of writing than normal. Like everything, this year presents are 'different'. We used to get up very early to open everything under the tree. These days we are all a little older and able to sleep in, so the early mornings are out! I am also Gran's Christmas fairy this year and have been buying her presents for everybody else.

Quickest page ever...and much lighter to balance out the previous page. It'll just be us five for Christmas, as the rest of the family is scattered far and wide. But there'll be lots of phonecalls I am sure.

JYC :: Memories worth saving

2010-12-18T17:33:00.003Z

Uploading these has taken a back seat over the last few days, but I am slowly catching up.

I love, love, LOVE my pink tree. I think unconventional Christmas trees are great anyway (my main artificial tree is a pewter/silver colour) but this one just thrills me. Seriously. It's just about 2 feet high and is currently sitting beside my TV, with co-ordinating miniature baubles in glittery retro brights and white. I couldn't handle a full size tree this year but this is small enough to be manageable, and is just enough 'Christmas' to keep me happy.

This prompt was never going to be easy - thoughts of Christmas past. 2007 was the last year before everything changed, and of course being without Jonpa is the biggest change of all. But I know that he loved Christmas, and would want us to be happy. It won't be the same without him, but it will be ok.

On 13th December, the prompt for Christmas music coincided nicely with the MHCC Christmas concert. Carol services and nativity plays used to be such a big part of my Christmas, but since I stopped going to church I haven't had anything like that in my life. Choir has helped me re-discover my love of Christmas music and really makes the season special.

I need an elf

2010-12-15T23:32:00.002Z

I absolutely need a Christmas elf right now. It feels like I have a million and one things to do and it's only by obsessively writing lists that I can keep track. Hopefully, by the time we get to this point next week I will feel much calmer.

In the meantime...

Rudolph (plus some snowmen friends) has just landed in the shop. I haven't done much crochet for a while so it's been good to get yarn-happy again. He isn't available online, but please email me if you are interested - £9.99 plus postage. We can work something out :)

I am being pretty good at keeping up with JYC but my photography skills deserted me this morning so all I have is some blurry pictures. I'll try again tomorrow. There's always tomorrow, right?

JYC :: almost on time

2010-12-12T12:36:00.002Z

Traditions. Well. I have some wonderful memories of Christmases in the past (that's another page) but right now it doesn't feel like I have any traditions. Things change, families change, people get older. I don't do nativity services any more, or have a Christmas stocking, and we tend to go out for Christmas dinner rather than cook at home. But it's ok. Just because it's different doesn't mean I don't like it. Each Christmas is special.

A quick page to catch up here. I'm using up wrapping paper from previous Christmases, but really I suppose I ought to have some presents ready to wrap by now! And a little memory from last year...Mum bringing my presents and wrapping paper to the hospital so that I could wrap them for everyone. I'd had major surgery the night before and it was HARD WORK. Despite all the stress, this year is so much easier.

JYC :: 6,7,8

2010-12-11T20:08:00.003Z

This week has been the longest and busiest for a long time. I've been back at work, busy with lots of errands, preparing for a concert next week and trying to find somewhere to live. I have definitely been feeling the pressure, and although I have a lot of support from family and friends, it's times like this I can often feel quite alone.

BUT. It's not all bad. I've made it through the week. Getting back to work (even if it's only part time to start with) feels like a massive achievement. I am slowly working my way through my to-do list and making progress with it. Rehearsals for the concert are sounding good and I think it'll be a success. And most importantly, I am on my way to solving my housing problems.

JYC pages are a few days behind but nothing an evening's crafting won't fix. 6th December was all about the memories. Good and bad. Happy and sad. I'm quite glad this is a hidden journalling page because I really just poured it out on the page. Let it out and let it go.

A page about to-do lists? Now I know 6x6 definitely wasn't big enough.

I also decided to stop taking photos of my pages against a white background because there's no sense of scale. This way at least you get an idea of the size.

I haven't taken as many photos as I would like this month, but these pictures sum up life so far. I think all my photos from now on are likely to be of big cardboard boxes. Moving starts here!

JYC :: Day 5

2010-12-08T00:51:00.002Z

Hanging on in there...just a couple of days behind.

Right now:
Worrying about moving house.
Hating agents who don't return my calls.
Stressing about my return to work.
Helping mum and mindy as much as possible.
Singing as much as I can, in preparation for our concert next week.
Trying to keep on top of it all.

It feels like nothing is easy. I cannot remember the last time life was simple and uncomplicated and fun. There is always something in the way.

Hopefully this is just one am-worry-talk. Hopefully in the morning things will look better. Add that to the list above - hoping.

JYC :: day 4

2010-12-06T10:39:00.002Z

The challenge for this prompt was to include some drawing. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to include an art-journal style self portrait (even if I did leave the glasses off). I don't want much for Christmas, just a relaxing time with loved ones...why does it always seem to be so hard?

I'm off to view a couple of houses now. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

JYC:: 2 & 3

2010-12-05T12:32:00.004Z

We had some pretty heavy snowfall last week and so the prompt for 2nd December was perfectly timed. Morpheus wouldn't go out, and I think he had the right idea. Fortunately my new winter coat had arrived so I was able to wrap up warm and head out to see Gran, and take her some food. I kept thinking of the snow we had earlier this year, when I was having chemo and was unable to go out because cold + chemo = some unpleasant side-effects.
I found myself walking up the road with a smile on my face just because this time, I was fit and healthy and able.

After such a lovely day, I came down to earth with a bump on the third. Literally - I left the house, slipped on some ice and fell flat on my back in the middle of the road. I hit my head so hard my hat flew off, and I think I may have knocked myself out for a moment. It was pretty traumatic, although to anyone watching it would have probably been a moment of comedy gold. Still, I persevered (at a much slower pace) and made it round the corner to pay my rent...only to be told that my landlady wants to move back into the house so I have two months to find somewhere else to live. By this point I really wished I'd stayed indoors!

My page for 3rd December should have been about Christmas cards, and indeed on the outside it is. But hidden in the envelope is some journalling that explores how I feel about my house move, about returning to work next week, my surgery in January and how I am going to cope. When I wrote it I definitely felt overwhelmed and quite panicky, and I still do to some extent. But I've had some really good support from family, friends and internet forums, and there is a glimmer of hope. I might be able to do this after all.

Journal Your Christmas: underway

2010-12-02T21:15:00.003Z

I'd started decorating the album for my Christmas journal ages ago, and then kind of ran aground with it. Realising that it was now December meant I had to finish it off.

Yes, those are silver peel-off stars on there. They're the same ones I used on the date tags - they fit my star punch exactly. I don't care what you think about peel-offs, I like them so they're staying.

I like that Shimelle always includes a title page in her ongoing projects. It feels odd to plunge straight into a journal like this, and a manifesto is a good way to kick it off. Also, it helps me set my limits and define what this journal is all about - especially important as my pages are only six inches square. If I try and write everything down I'll be here until next Christmas! I took this picture earlier and the last line of text is really annoying me....I'll have to cover that up and re-do it. Somehow my brain deserted me and I forgot how to spell 'celebrate'.

All my date tags follow a similar format: scalloped circle, ribbon, Christmas tree, contrasting circle, silver star and a number from one of my many half-used sets of alphabets. This one was a white foam number that looked a bit dingy, so I used some Tim Holtz crackle paint to liven it up a bit.

So what is my manifesto for this year, you may ask? Shimelle has designed a lovely one which you can download here, but I really wanted something more personal that reflects what I've been through and what I hope for this Christmas.

RELAX and remember there is no pressure to do anything.
PEOPLE I LOVE are more important than anything else. Spend time with them.
Know that MEMORIES can be bad as well as good. That's ok.
But remember, don't stress. Be HAPPY for everything I have. Celebrate and enjoy.

See you tomorrow for day two!

The Christmas spirit is in here somewhere...

2010-11-30T21:57:00.004Z

What happened to November? It seems to have flown by and now all of a sudden it's December. Which means Christmas, and this class happens all over again.

My first attempt at Journal Your Christmas was 2007, when I filled an album with fun and happiness. JYC was a celebration of life, love and family. 2008's journal has just six pages in it as I struggled with a broken heart and losing my grandad. And 2009 didn't even happen, because I was in hospital all over Christmas as I fought a life-threatening illness.

I am due some joy, don't you think?

This year, JYC is very much about taking back Christmas. Celebrating the people and things that are important to me. Celebrating the happy times in the past, acknowledging the bad, and preparing myself to move on. Not just for a new year, but a whole new life.

I've done enough long-term scrapbook projects to know how I like to work. My album is covered, my pages are cut, my patterned paper is trimmed to size (although it will get chopped again as I design each page) and the picture above shows the date tags I've already made. But as ever - no promises, no pressure!

Crocheting quickly to keep my head warm

2010-11-17T20:53:00.003Z

When I was told I was going to need chemotherapy, my first thought was "but I'll lose my hair".

Mindy is the knitter in the family and she immediately started making me some great hats. I have a slouchy hat, a beanie hat, and the cutest multicoloured hat with ear flaps.

As it turned out, the chemotherapy didn't make me lose my hair. But I have discovered that I love hats and it is super-thrilling to be able to make my own now that I know how to crochet.

This one nearly wasn't such a happy ending. I started it about four times and kept going wrong. In the end I adapted the pattern, changed my hook size, persevered and managed to finish it. Then I hated it. It didn't look like the original pattern and I was so disappointed. I nearly undid the whole thing, but fortunately realised that this was probably because it was late at night and I had crochet fatigue. I decided to leave it until the morning, and I'm so glad I did - now I love it! It's warm and snuggly and I love the colour. I've been wearing it almost constantly and have had loads of compliments.

Mindy is also responsible for introducing me to ravelry. Another brilliant internet resource, another great way to waste time. I especially love their projects feature which lets me show off all the details of this hat.

Home's best

2010-11-16T22:01:00.006Z

It's taken nearly a year but I am back in my own home.

I am endlessly, eternally grateful to my family: for letting me stay with them, for looking after me, for making me cups of tea, for putting up with my stuff all over the place, for coming back to my house to feed my cat when I couldn't.

But it is such a wonderful feeling to be back in my own home.

I have always liked this house, but lately it has been making me smile every time I come through the door. I walk into my craft room (studio, I mean) and my heart lifts a little bit. I sit at my desk surrounded by paper, paint and glue, and I get a warm fuzzy feeling that makes me giggle. I work at the computer and I am joined by my boy who is so pleased to have me back.

I am living my life again. And it is so very good to be home.

Full disclosure

2010-11-11T16:10:00.005Z

Don't you just hate those blogs where people talk about how perfect their lives are? And everything they make turns out just *so*.

My blog was never going to be one of those. I know I share lots of things I've made that I'm really pleased with, but in the interest of full disclosure may I present:

This is the first hat I've ever crocheted. And it may well be the last. 200+ people on Ravelry have made it and I am apparently the first to turn it into this:

I can't even bear to post the full photo. I don't want my face associated with this. It balances on the top of my head like a varigated fungus, lumpy and misshapen and totally the wrong size.

In the original post it looks adorable. Even allowing for a few variations, I am not sure how I got this result. The worst thing is that each stitch is a puff stitch, which requires seven loops around the hook which you then pull the yarn through. So it's a fair few hours of work here. The only saving grace is that I haven't fastened off, so I am just about to pull the end and undo the whole damn thing...

Thankful

2010-11-08T17:59:00.003Z

Thankful for a cat who still loves me (even after I've left him alone so much this year).
Thankful for friends who make me smile.
Thankful for a warm house and waterproof wellies.
Thankful for creativity and time to use it.
Thankful for the Willow Foundation.
Thankful for good health. More than ever.

Funny

2010-11-06T23:33:00.003Z

I have four or five crafty projects in progress right now, and several more sitting in my head. I need to crack on with them but they're all waiting for something right now - the right paper, the right photo, the right spark of inspiration. The page above uses photos from my birthday last year, but I only made the page a few weeks ago. Yes, I am officially behind with my scrapbooks. Good job no-one is keeping score.

It's been a funny few days, and I've been in a funny mood. That's funny-peculiar, not funny-hah-hah. I had a hospital appointment on Friday that in the scheme of things was no big deal, but for some reason it became a massive emotional obstacle. I got through it in the end by the best tactic possible: new shoes. I bribed myself with a lovely pair of burgundy stilettos. I remember when I was a kid I used to get a toy when I had to go to the dentist - this was just the grownup version of that.

The rest of my life feels much like my craft desk - lots of things in various stages of completion. Moving back to my own house, but I'm not quite there yet. Starting to think about returning to work, but I'm not sure when. Preparing for a bit more surgery, but I haven't had an appointment with the surgeon yet. The mental fug that has been around me since chemo isn't helping, I feel like I'm trying to think through a cloud a lot of the time. For goodness' sake, if you need me to do something, you'll have to keep reminding me. I keep forgetting things, losing things and generally being dopey. It's all very funny. That's funny-peculiar, not funny-hah-hah.

P.S. 'Funny' is one of those words that gets weirder to look at the more you type it. I don't think I can ever use it again!

Golden

2010-11-02T16:39:00.009Z

I love autumn. The colours are beautiful, the air feels fresh, and it's the season of my birthday. What more could I ask for?

I've spent the last four days in beautiful Gloucestershire with Mindy. Nothing fancy or complicated, just four days away from all the stress and worries of home. Some shopping, some sightseeing. Lots of coffee and cake. Some humour (no, vegetarians don't eat bacon), some assertiveness (if I say this meal is too spicy, then it is, ok?) and some terrifying moments (did you know you can fit a car through the gap in the pedestrian barrier in the Ikea car park? Well you can.)

One of the best things about the weekend was the number of independent shops, artists and craftspeople that we found. Cheltenham was hosting By Local, a brilliant collection of art and craft from local people, occupying a shop that would otherwise be empty. We spent ages in there admiring the work, and couldn't leave without a souvenir or two. In Cirencester we found M.A.D.E., which I think might just be the prettiest shop in the world. It's thrilling to see somewhere so packed with handmade goodies. In fact, Cirencester was a lovely town altogether. Beautiful old buildings, some lovely cafes, independent retailers...and not a Primark in sight.

I took my sketchbook away with me and I didn't draw a thing. Instead of working on completing projects I have come back feeling inspired with new ideas, colours and textures. The previously mentioned trip to Ikea has brought me some new storage and I finally feel totally comfortable in my craft room. Maybe I should start calling it a studio now? I have so many ideas flying around now that I can't wait to get started on making some of them a reality. Autumn might be a season of endings, as the year draws to a close and nature packs itself away, but I feel like it's the start of something big.

No such thing as late

2010-10-25T00:51:00.005+01:00

One of the reasons I love doing courses with Shimelle is that there is zero pressure. It's up to me how much (or little) I do, and when I do it. So although Learn Something New Every Day is a class based in September, I don't get marked down for not finishing it until the end of October. (Actually, I don't get marked at all...remind me again why I do these classes if there isn't an A at the end of it?)

Towards the end of September I stopped making my pages every day, but I made notes of what I wanted to remember. Finally, over this weekend I managed to find time and energy to put those notes into my journal. Consider me finished.

I wouldn't be so mean as to put all of my pages in this blog post. I know I think blogging with pictures is best, but I think two dozen images is enough to put anyone off!

These are some of my favourite pages.

Mostly because I like the way the page is arranged, but some of them are my favourites because of the lessons I learned that day. This one, for example. I have taken on responsibility for looking after my Gran's garden (yes, I said garden. Don't laugh.) Her garden is all pots, and in the summer I plant out annuals for glorious colour. This is the first year I've put in bulbs for some spring flowers. It's been a bit of a challenge trying to do it in between surgeries and treatments, and I will admit to having had (quite a lot of) help, but it's such a rewarding thing to do.

In case you hadn't noticed, my family owns a craft shop. Some days when I am bored at home I go and sit behind the counter to keep them company. If I'm lucky I get to press buttons on the till.

The story of my September has a very different ending than I imagined it would. My last appointment with my oncologist was on 30/09/10. I had thought I would be doing a page about the horrors of my last chemo session. Instead - welcome to the rest of my life!

I am really pleased with how this has turned out. Just finishing it feels like such an achievement, but I think it's also an important record of my life for the future. It's easy to forget how hard this past year has been, but I think it's important to remember what I've been through so I can remind myself how much I've accomplished. And there have also been some really good moments, and I want to remember those too.

You can see the rest of my pages in my Flickr gallery.

It's all an illusion

2010-10-22T00:53:00.004+01:00

Every so often I have a good moan about the things that annoy me.

First up: people who tell me I 'look well'. The problem with this is that I hear it, and underneath it I hear "so you can't possibly have been as ill as you say". I know that probably no-one means it like that. I know that actually, it doesn't matter what most people think because the people who matter know how ill I was. But seriously, it bugs the hell out of me. If I look well, it's probably down to the layers of makeup I'm wearing. Just say it's nice to see me, ok?

Secondly: people who assume that because I've finished treatment I'm all better now. Well. Obviously I am better than I was. I am not being sick, I am not having painful treatment, I am not recovering from major surgery. However. I am still tired most of the time. I am still weak and can't lift/carry heavy things. I have little energy and zero stamina. I still have to think about what I eat and how it will affect me. I am still dealing with things psychologically and it's more complicated than you will ever understand. So I am better than I was, but that's not the same as being completely well again.

Unfortunately, I seem to have become one of the second group myself. In my excitement about feeling better, I forgot that better is different from well. The panic that I used to feel before chemo: (I have to get everything done before I feel too ill to move) has gone into total overdrive:(I have cheated death and now I have to make the most of absolutely every minute). I feel like I should be going to every event, reading every book, visiting every person, experiencing everything as powerfully as possible. I am making endless lists for today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. When I found myself trying to draft a life plan for the next 20 years, I realised maybe it was time to STOP.

In four days, it's my 27th birthday. One week from that will be the first anniversary of my diagnosis. I think this is probably a good time to slow myself down and do a little bit of reflecting before I carry on. I don't need to panic. I don't need to rush into anything. After all, I've been given the best present of all: more time.

Double whammy

2010-10-19T00:37:00.003+01:00

I swear, this wasn't designed to be a baking blog. Except that seems to be what I spend most of my time doing at the moment. That might account for the fact that none of my trousers fit me any more....thank goodness for elasticated leggings.

I read a lot of American blogs, and Red Velvet Cakes seem to be really popular state-side. It's not something I've ever seen over here, so I was dying to give them a try. It took a while to find a recipe, because American recipes use different measurements. Eventually I found this lovely website and got started.

I guess when you are experimenting, you have to be prepared for things to turn out differently from what you expected...although these were nice, there is definitely some room for improvement. They didn't really turn out red enough for my liking - must add more food colouring. And I had the same problem as a couple of commenters on the original blog - the cakes were much more dense than my usual cupcakes. These were 'ok', not 'great'. The smaller cupcakes were nicer as they had a better cake-to-frosting ratio. I will try them again at some point, if only just to try and make the corrections and get them 'perfect'.

Can you believe I've never made meringue before? Actually, after doing these lemon meringue cupcakes, I can see why: it's a faff. But worth it because they look quite pretty. Now I come to think of it, these cupcakes were quite dense as well, so maybe it was something in the air on Sunday. Again, these were 'good' but not 'perfect' so I'll have to try them again in the future to see if I can get them just right. I think (and Mum agrees with me) that a lemon & sugar syrup would be better to drizzle over them rather than the lemon juice. In case you fancy trying them yourselves...

Basic Cupcakes:
150g (5oz) butter, softened
150g (5oz) caster sugar
150g (5oz) self-raising flour
3 medium eggs
2 tablespoons milk
Finely zested rind of 1 lemon (I forgot this bit!)
Juice of 1 lemon
Lemon curd
12-hole cake tray, lined with paper cases

Set the oven to Gas Mark 5 or 190C.
Place all the ingredients in a bowl and beat until smooth. (You could use the creaming method but I don't always bother.)
Divide the mixture between the paper cases and bake in the centre of the oven for 15-20 minutes, or until they have risen and are just firm to the touch in the centre.
Remove cakes from the oven and place on a wire rack to cool. Brush the tops with lemon juice.

Meringue topping:
3 large egg whites
250g (8oz) caster sugar
Pinch of salt

Tip the egg whites into a bowl and add the sugar and salt. Place the bowl over a pan of simmering water and stir until the sugar dissolves completely.
Remove the bowl from the heat and whisk the mixture (you'll need an electric mixer of some description, this takes FOREVER)until it bcomes a thick meringue.

Spread a little lemon curd over the top of each cake.
Fill a piping bag with the meringue mixture, and pipe spikes over the top of each cake.
Place the cakes on a baking tray and return to the oven for about 5-7 minutes, or until the meringue is just starting to turn golden. Remove the cakes from the oven and leave to cool on a wire rack.

It was definitely hard work doing two lots of cakes at once, and I won't deny that it was a bit disappointing when they didn't turn out quite as perfect as I'd hoped. BUT - they were still good, and everyone enjoyed them. I think maybe the lesson in this one might be not to push myself so hard.

Inspiration

2010-10-16T00:26:00.003+01:00

When I actually studied art, Rene Magritte was always one of my favourites. Not the most fashionable surrealist, I liked his thought-provoking images. This one, Empire of Light, is not one of his most famous paintings, but I love it. I'm not sure how long I looked at it before I realised what was 'wrong' with it.

I used to have a copy of it on my bedroom door. It was the first thing I thought of when I took this photo yesterday:

Sunset over Newport and the sky looked like it was on fire. This photo is almost SOOC, but I will admit to bumping up the colours a little bit. Who could resist?

Pretty pictures are the key

2010-10-12T13:00:00.003+01:00

Sometimes I don't blog because I don't have anything to talk about. Sometimes I don't blog because there is altogther TOO MUCH to write. Blogging is not my therapy, I have a proper journal for that. I read a lot of other blogs, about all kinds of things, and I'm always amazed at people's level of sharing. Do I want to read about their trip to the supermarket? Probably not. Do I want to see pretty pictures of their latest craft project? Undoubtedly.

So, because I rarely read blog posts that are plain text, I sort of feel an obligation to make sure my posts always have a picture. And usually, my posts are about the picture which makes a whole lot more sense.

Which is the long and winding way of saying: I've been baking again, and these are whoopie pies. I'm always a late adopter (I still don't have an iPhone) and this is no exception - apparently the craze for these started at the beginning of the year? Still, it's never too late. It is if you wanted one of these, though - we ate them all. Sorry.

This is probably going to make Mum cry

2010-10-05T23:17:00.004+01:00

Everyone wants their mum when they feel ill. There's nothing like it - someone who knows exactly how to look after you, who can find just the right thing to say, who can make you feel better with just a hug.

I am fortunate beyond words that I have had my mum beside me, right from the minute I was diagnosed. I have other people too - my family might be small but it's very supportive - but there is something particularly special about being looked after by mum.

Mum works harder than anyone else I know, and it's all for other people. She looks after me, and my gran, and the rest of the family, and she runs a retail business with all the commitments that entails. She can't ask for time off, or delegate her work to others. She doesn't broadcast her worries, she just gets on with it. I am so proud of her for what she does, and the way she does it.

Thanks Mum. I couldn't have done it without you.

I only bake when I'm in a good mood

2010-10-04T22:26:00.003+01:00

This is not what I thought I'd be posting. But for once, it's in a good way.

Last week I went to hospital for my third chemo session. I had done all my usual preparations (which means staying up late, sorting out paperwork and tidying up) and mentally braced myself for it. I took my bag of things to do (chemo takes around 5 hours, and there's not a lot to keep you occupied otherwise) and Mum came with me as per usual.

I might have told you that my last session was awful? And I may have mentioned the depression, the sleeplessness, the sickness/nausea and the intense stomach pains? So you can imagine that I wasn't particularly looking forward to this. Neither was Mum - she has to look after me through it all. But we went along anyway, because that's what you do...the doctors tell you what they think should happen and you just go along with it. It's all very well saying it's my decision whether to continue or not, but who am I to argue with an oncologist? 11 months of cancer experience might make me an expert on ME but it doesn't mean I know what treatment I need.

My doctor had been very keen for me to have this post-op chemo as a preventative measure. So the very last thing I expected him to say was that he thought I could stop now. I think he could tell that I was slightly stunned, so he even made the decision for me. Because it made me so ill, more chemo would do more harm than good.

So that's it. Officially. No more active treatment for now. I still have to go for regular checkups, and I do have some more surgery to come. But I think this is where I start referring to cancer in the past tense: I had it, I don't have it any more.

It doesn't feel real, and I have a lot of mixed emotions that are too complicated to write about yet. I am not celebrating, because I have a long way to go. I am just keeping everything crossed and hoping as hard as I can that this means I can start to put my life back together. Starting with baking on Sunday afternoons.

The cupcakes above are from an issue of My Weekly that I rescued from Gran's recycling pile.

Time may change me

2010-09-30T00:55:00.004+01:00

One of the weirdest aspects of my cancer treatment is that I haven't lost my hair. Which is good, obviously, because it keeps my ears warm. But I did have it cut very, very short because it's just easier to look after that way. And when you've been in hospital for two weeks and can't use the shower because it floods...trust me, you don't feel like washing your hair.

This page got me thinking, though. My life has changed so much in the last couple of years. In some respects, I'm sure I'm still the same as I always was. In other ways, I hardly recognise myself. I quite like the person I've turned into. I think I might keep her. The hair? I'm letting it grow back now.

Just too cute

2010-09-28T13:33:00.003+01:00

These are the 'good' days, the ones in between treatments, the ones when I feel (mostly) better and can actually do things. There aren't enough days like this at the moment. I am impatiently waiting for the time when all my days are like this.

And on the good days, I make things. I've moved on a bit from making blankets, and now I actually follow a pattern. This one I even had to edit because the original made me lose a stitch at the end of every row. It's never good when you realise your rectangular piece of crochet is turning into a triangle.

I love the pattern with its neat zig-zag, and purple is one of my favourite colours. I'm pretty sure I shall end up like my sister Mindy, who is always knitting in shades of pink and purple. They're just so pretty :)

And I even lined it. Pink with polka dota. Little hand-stitches all the way round. A button on the front to make a clasp. Cuteness overload!

Sleepless nights

2010-09-23T12:58:00.004+01:00

Going to bed early has never held much appeal for me. What if I miss out on something exciting? Being ill, despite the fact that it makes me tired, has made me even less likely to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Too much to do, too little time. Plus, insomnia is actually a side-effect of my tablets so I have a legitimate excuse for staying awake till 3am.

Apart from watching lots of late-night TV (when the programmes with subtitles and sign language come on, you know it's late) what could I possibly keep myself occupied with at that hour?

Crocheted miniature pumpkins. Naturally. Now available in the shop.

Highs and lows

2010-09-14T13:03:00.003+01:00

Just because I write it on pretty paper doesn't make it feel better.

This last weekend has been hard. Initially I thought I was going to get away with it - the Hickman Line seemed to take away so many of the horrible side-effects of the chemo. By Sunday, though, I had realised that it wasn't going to stay that way and I've spent the last couple of days finding every little bit of strength that I have left.

Realistically, I know that I am lucky. There are plenty of people who would love to be in my situation. People who haven't had treatment, people whose treatment hasn't worked, people who are in far worse states than I am right now. I am working my way through my sixth cycle of chemo and there are people I know who have had ten times that number, and yet still carry on.

This blog was never supposed to be about cancer, but it's hard not to make it so at the moment. It feels like my cancer and my treatment is all that is happening to me right now. Everything I do revolves around it. My journal pages for the last few days are mostly just some very self-absorbed ramblings about how bad I feel, because it would be dishonest to put anything else.

I try to stay grateful. I try to stay focused. I try my hardest to stay strong because I know I am not the only person on this journey. Most of the time I think I do a pretty good job. But it is going to take more than some pretty papers to make me feel ok this time.

I am not going to argue with my mother

2010-09-09T11:23:00.003+01:00

My lesson for 6th Sept is something I have learned, re-learned and am still learning. I know parents have a duty to tell their children they are beautiful, or clever, or whatever. I know in my Mum's eyes I (and my sister) will always be the two most wonderful girls in the world. But actually, sometimes, she's right. And I'm not going to argue.

Because I know how bad chemotherapy can make me feel, when the date approaches for my next infusion I start getting this sense of rising panic. I think of all the things that need to be done before I am out of action for a week or so, and then I stay up very late trying to do them all. Invariably I fail. I have to keep reminding myself to stay calm and just prioritise the really important stuff.

And the downside of the staying up late panicking...is that I end up making myself really tired and having a day when I don't actually feel like doing much at all. But you know what? That's ok too.

Two days at a time

2010-09-07T20:56:00.003+01:00

Where does the time go? I have more time to myself right now than I have ever had in my life - and yet still I run out of time to do things. I blame the internet.

More journal pages...

I don't always feel ill. When I have good days I forget how much my body has been through and that I am still a long way from 'fit and healthy'. I push myself hard a lot of the time, and some days I have to remind myself that it is ok to rest.

On the other hand, sometimes you just need to make the effort. To go out, to see someone, to do whatever it is you're putting off. And it's always worth it.

So far, so good

2010-09-04T14:11:00.004+01:00

Thursday was a bit of a bonus day really. Although I was due to start my next cycle of chemo, it didn't go ahead because I was waiting for a central line to be fitted. This will hopefully eliminate the pain that the chemo causes in my arm, and make it easier for blood tests. I never used to be scared of needles but I can't even watch Holby City any more.

So Thursday's lesson was easy - enjoy every minute. Especially when the sun shines and I go to spend some time with my gran.

Friday, on the other hand, was not so good. Having the Hickman line inserted was every bit as painful as I feared it might be. Wikipedia seems to think people have this done under general anaesthetic - I shall be writing to tell them this isn't so. I had a local anaesthetic and was all too aware of what was going on. It hurt then, it hurts now, and I think it's going to hurt for a while. But it isn't forever - and I think that's a lesson I'm going to be reminding myself of a lot this month.

Something every day?

2010-09-02T23:38:00.003+01:00

So, Shimelle runs a class every year which encourages us to look for lessons in our lives, and record them in a creative way. I've done the class since it started (because once you've done it once, you can take part each year for free) and I have two completed albums from 2006 & 07, then a year when I didn't do anything, and last year I got halfway and then stopped.

This year, I am being realistic. I know that there will be days when I don't feel like doing anything. I know that crafting is difficult because I am not in my own home right now. But, I also know that having a creative project to work on will help to keep me motivated. My previous journals are fun to look back on and see what was happening in my life. I don't think this one is necessarily going to be fun but the lessons learned will still be important.

I've prepared as much as I can - made the book, decorated all the pages, and stamped a load of journalling spots ready to write on. In theory, all I need to do each day is write a sentence and stick it in. Let's see how far I get!

Happy, happy, happy

2010-08-30T00:18:00.005+01:00

It started last November. I needed something to do, something to keep me occupied through endless hours of sitting and waiting.
Mum had tried to teach me to crochet before, but I'd never really got the hang of it. I knit, but crochet somehow seemed...wrong. Where was the other needle? How could something that started as a chain end up as a square? Why are there so many loops?

Suddenly, this time it clicked. It made sense. And so, armed with a pattern for a basic granny square, I chose a few colours and got started.

I didn't have a plan, I just kept making squares. Eventually, I started to put them together in some kind of order. Random seemed like too much hard work, so I settled on a nice, regular, even pattern. And eventually I had a small blanket that kept my lap warm.

Small wasn't really enough. I had big ambitions for this blanket. So I added some more squares and kept going.

And so, 150 squares later - it's finished.
Eight balls (I think) of yarn.
Over 20,000 stitches.
Far more late nights than I care to admit.

Finishing this blanket - finishing anything makes me happy. I love being 'crafty' and I always have some project or other on the go, but it isn't often that I get the sense of completion that I have with this. When I started, I knew what I wanted but I didn't know how to get there. As my piles of squares grew and I started joining them together, I could see my idea emerging and I was so excited to continue. There were times when the chemo messed up my head so much that I couldn't even string two stitches together, but I kept going. There were times when I felt too sick, or too miserable, or was in too much pain to focus on this, but I didn't give up.

For me, this is more than just a simple crocheted blanket. It represents time spent with Mum, learning how to crochet. It represents frustration, perseverance and endurance. It will always remind me of a really horrible time in my life, but the lessons I've learned from this are all good:

Handmade makes me happy.
Learning new skills makes me happy.
Keep going and finish, because that makes me happy too.

Now...off to apply that last lesson to the many half-finished papercrafting items sitting on my shelf!

Far too easily pleased

2010-08-26T18:49:00.002+01:00

You know when you give a child a present, and they spend longer playing with the wrapping than they do with the toy?

If you give me flowers, I will spend at least as long taking photos of them as I will admiring them. And I'll take some more photos in a couple of days when they have all fully opened. And then all of those photos will give me hours of fun in Photoshop, because no photo of mine will live unedited.

You can see some more of my flower photos here

This used to be a craft blog

2010-08-22T00:25:00.004+01:00

In the beginning, my blog was mostly about scrapbooking.
Then I bought a house and my blog included house-y stuff too.
I worked hard, studied harder, and my scrapbooking slowed down.
I left that house and that life, and found my creative mojo.
Then I got ill and despite having more spare time than I've ever had before, I had very little inclination to do anything with it.

I'd quite like this to be a craft blog again.
Shall we start over?

Over the sea and far away

2010-08-21T02:06:00.002+01:00

Pont du Raz
Originally uploaded by kate bucci

In the beginning when I was first diagnosed, I decided that everything could be put on hold until my treatment was finished. The doctors gave me a timescale and in my head I was planning what I would do when it was all over.

Fast forward ten months and I've realised that it really doesn't work like that. Doctors are not accurate, diagnoses change and their original estimate of "six months of treatment" has already nearly doubled. By the time I am anything approaching normal again, it will probably be nearer 18 months.

That's a long time to put your life on hold...and somewhere in the midst of it all, I realised that I couldn't. Life goes on, whether you like it or not. And even if I can't do everything I want to right now, there are still things I can do, things I can enjoy. I don't have to just fight the cancer, I can live with it too.

Goal setting is one of those things I swore I'd never too (too self-help manual) but has actually been really positive. Whether I write it in my journal, or just mentally promise myself, having a checklist makes me happy. On my worst days, my goal can be to get dressed. On better days, having something to aim for really makes a difference.

My biggest goal was to go with the choir on tour to France. I got my surgeon to bring the op forward so I'd have eight weeks to recover, and hoped like mad. A two-week stay in hospital didn't help, and the day before we were due to leave I sat down and cried because I didn't think I'd manage it....but I did. I spent a week riding around Brittany in a coach with the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing group of people who carried my bags, sat with me when I couldn't walk, took hundreds of silly photos and shared more than a few bottles of wine. We sang in some amazing places and it was truly inspirational. I returned feeling very, very blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends and to have shared such an amazing time.

Right now, those memories are making me smile and keeping me going. 74 more days to go.

Ready

2010-06-01T23:38:00.002+01:00

I've made a list, and done *nearly* everything on it.
All the errands, general admin, shopping and household chores.

But most of all: I remembered to have FUN!
To spend time with the people who matter most.
To do the things I enjoy.
To visit places that make me happy.
To relish every moment of sunshine and happiness.

And so, I think, I'm ready.

That time already

2010-05-23T23:10:00.003+01:00

The last few weeks have flown by in a haze of working, sleeping, singing and catching up with my life. I've really enjoyed being at home in my own environment again, and it almost feels like everything is back to normal. But at the back of my mind has been the knowledge that there is still some pretty scary stuff to come, and I can't really hide from it any more.

Surgery is, hopefully, the last step in my journey to recovery. It's a daunting prospect, but it's not like I have a choice really - it has to be done. From my surgery at Christmas I have an idea of what to expect, but I am hoping that this time my recovery will be quick and I won't need any further treatment.

I haven't been blogging much because I didn't want this to turn into a health journal. The internet has been a great source of information but I have learned to use it responsibly. There are many people out there (usually selling) strange cures or wacky advice, and those are easier to avoid. It's harder to miss the stories of people who have had similar conditions to mine and have suffered worse or not made it through. I try to use the positive stories as inspiration, and when I read things which upset me I just have to remember that I am different, my cancer is different, and their experience will not be mine. It won't be easy - it hasn't been so far. But it will be ok.

A new beginning

2010-04-19T22:29:00.003+01:00

It's been a long hard winter in more ways than one.

Today is 5 months since treatment began. It seemed like an impossible goal in the beginning, and those long winter days and nights were some of the toughest times I have ever experienced. Nothing will ever be enough to express how awful it has been, and how grateful I am for the love and support of family and friends. Quite simply, I couldn't have done it without them.

And so - spring. A season I've always loved but which is especially symbolic this year. I had so many plans for 2010 which have all had to change or go on hold, but now the sun is shining and I am feeling optimistic about the future again. There's still a long road ahead, but the end is in sight. The last five months have changed things irrevocably and I will never be the same person I was - but the person I am becoming is even better.

"Circumstance does not make me, it reveals me."

William James

One year on

2009-09-17T22:33:00.003+01:00

It's just over one year since I realised I was going to be facing the future without someone I thought would be with me forever. The exact day passed me by because I was having too much fun - which is as it should be. But a couple of things have happened at work that made me think, 'oh, when we did this last year I was...'

Time is the only thing that makes it better. It isn't a linear process, I didn't start from heartbroken and work through to feeling better. There were days at the beginning when I felt ridiculously positive, excited for the future. There are some days even now when I remember something and my heart races and my stomach sinks. In between there have been times of pure happiness and times when it felt like I would never even smile again.

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. That thought kept me going and still does. The things we experience make us the people we are, and I am a different person now from the girl I was then. I have put my heart back together but it is different now.

Normal service will be resumed when I return to earth

2009-09-13T10:01:00.001+01:00

It's the Bestival, don'tcha know?

Back to front

2009-09-06T18:46:00.002+01:00

I never normally go back to pages and re-do them. Life's too short. Once they're done, they're done and it'll have to do. Even pages for publication. This, though, has been an exception. I re-did the cover three times and then got cross and pulled it apart. It's not so different from the original, but just in a few little ways, and I think it works so much better.

This is also something of a tribute to the cuttlebug. It was my Christmas present last year from Mum & Co, but it's taken me a while to get in the habit of using it. I'm so glad I have (and a little bit cross with myself for taking this long). And now I can get titles in whatever colour I want!

Day two

2009-09-05T12:48:00.002+01:00

I'd make September a self-portrait month, except I'd run out of locations around the house within about three days. And there are other things in my life worth taking photos of. Not today, though!

Getting started

2009-09-05T12:38:00.002+01:00

It's taken a couple of false starts but I am getting in the groove again now. For me this class is really about the habit of taking a photo every day, and celebrating something in my 'ordinary' life. If my lessons don't always coincide with those on the worksheet - well, it's not the end of the world now, is it?

Sept 1st we were blessed with some gorgeous sunshine - I ran back into the house to get my camera for this one.

Silver linings

2009-09-02T00:08:00.000+01:00

Some days even the clouds are beautiful.

<3 saturdays, sunshine and sketching

2009-08-30T00:26:00.003+01:00

I have spent all summer promising myself that I will get out and do some art outdoors. Today was the day I finally managed it. It cleared my head and made my soul feel good. I don't like it when it's too hot, but as we approach autumn the weather is perfect and I love it.

Use sparingly

2009-08-28T22:37:00.003+01:00

Yes, as you can see from my last photo, I have many jars of Primas. I do use them, honest - but at the rate of about two per layout (as on this page), I think these bottles are going to last me a long time!

The last couple of weeks have been quite hard as I am battling with some extreme tiredness. I have always loved naps, but lately it has become ridiculous. Last week I tried to give blood (I have a special blood group and they need it) but I was too anaemic. So, I am trying to eat more green things to boost my iron levels, and I've been for some more blood tests. The results will be due in a couple of weeks and I'm trying not to think about it until then.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to the long weekend and then a busy month ahead. I am very excited to be doing this class again. It'll be the third year I've done it and the other two albums are some of my favourite work. September 08 was a very painful month, but I am looking forward to reclaiming it this year!

Old + new = crafting goodness

2009-08-23T19:44:00.004+01:00

I have been using my lack of scrapping lately to justify buying lots of new things. After all, I need new things to feel inspired, don't I? But this page uses one of the first pieces of 12x12 I ever bought (the dark green) alongside one of the newest pieces. And a lot of other stuff thrown on as well. The self-adhesive paper lace is still a favourite, and the only scrapbook product I have ever bought more than once.

Life has really slowed down this weekend as I have done my best to relax and prepare myself for a busy week ahead. My holiday wasn't nearly long enough.