Somewhat unexpected

This isn't what I thought I would be posting.

After nearly a year of symptoms which have gradually got worse and worse, I finally had an appointment with a specialist at the hospital. My original diagnosis was IBS, which is annoying but can be coped with. After going back to the doctor, ulcerative colitis was suggested instead - a horrible, chronic condition but it can be managed with medication. I had every symptom on the list and was ready to be told that's what it was. UC would mean medication for life, and carefully managing my diet - but I was prepared for that if it could mean I felt better and had a normal life again.

I went for my colonoscopy last week. It's not pleasant, it's embarrassing, but I'm getting used to talking about bottoms and poo, and I'd do anything to feel better and get back to normal. But instead of confirming UC, they found a growth. A lump. Something blocking my bowel and they thought it was cancer.

Fast-forward to today, and the biopsy, MRI and CT scans have confirmed it. It is a cancerous growth, but fortunately it doesn't look as though it has spread to anywhere else. They want me to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy before having surgery, as they think this will give a better result and less chance of recurrence. Next week I have an appointment with the oncologist and we will discuss the treatment and what it means, and I think things will move fairly quickly.

The next few months are going to be hard, no doubt about it. The doctor is ready to sign me off work for three months at least, but I want to wait until I have started treatment. I've been at home for two weeks already and daytime TV is doing my head in. I think I need to go back to work for a distraction, if nothing else. There is so much going round in my head right now that I think I need the petty office politics to keep my mind off the important stuff.

I am trying to stay positive. There is much to be thankful for, and the treatment should work. Many people have this, and get through it. I am lucky to have such wonderful support from family and friends. After everything that happened last year this feels so unfair, but that's just how life is. Last year gave me strength, and I'm going to need it to get through this.

A never-ending story

September was one of those months that just raced past, and October looks to be much the same. Mostly it's the same old story - working hard, busy at home, busy with projects like choir and my new OU course. I am also struggling with various health issues that have been going on for some time. It is quite strange to realise that my fondness for napping is not actually because I am lazy (HAH!) but there is a genuine reason for it. I have my first hospital appointment next week and in a weird way I'm actually looking forward to it. A proper diagnosis means that I can get treatment, start medication and carry on with the rest of my life. Really, there's so much to do that I can't waste any more time being sick!

One year on

It's just over one year since I realised I was going to be facing the future without someone I thought would be with me forever. The exact day passed me by because I was having too much fun - which is as it should be. But a couple of things have happened at work that made me think, 'oh, when we did this last year I was...'

Time is the only thing that makes it better. It isn't a linear process, I didn't start from heartbroken and work through to feeling better. There were days at the beginning when I felt ridiculously positive, excited for the future. There are some days even now when I remember something and my heart races and my stomach sinks. In between there have been times of pure happiness and times when it felt like I would never even smile again.

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. That thought kept me going and still does. The things we experience make us the people we are, and I am a different person now from the girl I was then. I have put my heart back together but it is different now.

Normal service will be resumed when I return to earth

It's the Bestival, don'tcha know?

Back to front

I never normally go back to pages and re-do them. Life's too short. Once they're done, they're done and it'll have to do. Even pages for publication. This, though, has been an exception. I re-did the cover three times and then got cross and pulled it apart. It's not so different from the original, but just in a few little ways, and I think it works so much better.



This is also something of a tribute to the cuttlebug. It was my Christmas present last year from Mum & Co, but it's taken me a while to get in the habit of using it. I'm so glad I have (and a little bit cross with myself for taking this long). And now I can get titles in whatever colour I want!

Day two

I'd make September a self-portrait month, except I'd run out of locations around the house within about three days. And there are other things in my life worth taking photos of. Not today, though!

Getting started

It's taken a couple of false starts but I am getting in the groove again now. For me this class is really about the habit of taking a photo every day, and celebrating something in my 'ordinary' life. If my lessons don't always coincide with those on the worksheet - well, it's not the end of the world now, is it?

Sept 1st we were blessed with some gorgeous sunshine - I ran back into the house to get my camera for this one.

Silver linings

Some days even the clouds are beautiful.